It feels like shit to be the mom who is always calling out bad behavior.
I love and honor my friends. My brothers and sisters in arms.
I love the quirks of family life, the chaos, the birthday parties, the squeals, the children running in and out of the house. I love hosting. Community. I love the idea of raising our kids near people who care, sharing deep values that are so deep you may not be able to speak to them with language.
And. But. Also,
My child’s first guru is Me.
Her second is friends.
This is tricky. Even the littles – especially when you love the Momma.
Behavior that is borderline sociopathic (yes, even in children) does not only happen out there. It happens in homes. Schools. Dance camps. Spiritual communities. Ashrams. Neighborhoods. Friend groups. Anywhere adults get tired, distracted, avoidant, or too invested in the project, in following the leader, in keeping the peace.
Tricky stuff. When adults are mean or cuss at children, it’s perhaps more obvious.
When children bully, manipulate, exclude, are hypersexual too early, or use power in sneaky little ways, it’s also not so okay.
And so, when everyone pretends not to see it because the parents are kind, or they have good values, or the group has been together a long time with good intentions – the damage starts.
For us, it started early.
Small hurtful moments. Little power plays. Light bullying shrouded in “healthy dialogue”. Envy not discussed openly. Easy to excuse because they’re not dramatic enough to make a scene.
But the body knows.
Children know when something feels off.
And parents know too, even when we keep swimming in that bloody river of denial.
Ending a playdate is hard? That’s Baby town.
The deeper level is when boundaries and beauty work hand in hand.
The poignant painful part is stepping back from people you genuinely love. I so genuinely love my brothers and sisters. Community events. Familiar rhythms.The comfort of belonging.
That part is so scary.
But inclusion without boundaries is not love.
It is avoidance.
There is a difference between children being children and children being left to organize the room with their own ideas of power. It’s a long arduous road, knowing the difference between a hard day and a harmful pattern.
And yes, it is nuanced.
We see our beloved’s pain. The exhaustion. The inherited aversion leaking through the smallest openings. All of it. I fully get it. That’s why it’s sad.
No mentor wants to be the Mom pointing out stuff that belongs in her office.
But teaching our children that kindness has a backbone – vital.
That being spiritual, educated, progressive, devotional, creative, or conscious does not excuse detrimental behavior. Not from adults. Not from children. Not from communities.
So to my moms and dads, my heart is so full of love.
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
I know this parenting thing is hard and humbling and relentless.
I vow to keep drawing the line. To live boundaries and beauty go hand in hand.
That may be the best way I can be a real friend.
Not by sacrificing my child’s peace so everyone else can stay comfortable.
But by staying loving and clear.
My child is watching.
So is yours.
That being spiritual, educated, progressive, devotional, creative, or conscious does not excuse detrimental behavior. Not from adults. Not from children. Not from communities.
Love,
Jaishree